i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
