you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
