One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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