Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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