my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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