During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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