i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
