Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
