if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
