lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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