fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
