Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My cat gives me a boner
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
