Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
