so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
did i just pee glitter
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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