mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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