We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
