I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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