There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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