I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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