Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He's a Shit stain on my heart
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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