I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
