i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
