And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
