I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
