Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Randomize
