This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
