Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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