somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
