If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
