Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
