her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
