I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
