you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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