You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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