saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
