I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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