the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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