I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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