Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
