youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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