I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
