I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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