If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
People in love make me want to vomit
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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