if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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