as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I believe in your delicious
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
