I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Come share oat with me in your robe
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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