I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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