Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
