its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
