I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
