i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
